How People Respond To Your Expressions Of Sympathy After A Loss

I would like to share with you about expressing sympathy at a time of loss, also receiving sympathy at a time of loss. I remember as a young adult I had a next door neighbor who was elderly. She and her husband were originally from Canada. A very sweet, sincere, just, lovable company. Whenever you spent time with them, you knew your time is not being wasted in conversation. They were full of knowledge, just enjoyable conversationalist. Towards the latter part of their aged years, he passed away. He had some health issues, and his declining health was a concern. I had grown attached to the couple, being the next door neighbors. I would go often to check on her, if the newspaper was thrown where she would have a difficult time reaching it, I would sometimes crawl under the car and get her newspaper and put up on her front porch. Some mornings I'd see her at the kitchen window, and so I would stop over and ask for a cup of coffee and just sit down and visit with her for a little while. About a month after her husband passed away, I went over that morning and she had checked her mail and was opening it while I was visiting with her, and she just got very angry, just like something had pushed her button. I'd never seen her angry. I was a little bit surprised. She said, "I wish people would think before they send a sympathy card." Well, immediately I thought to myself, my goodness, what did they say, what was offensive about the card? She then said, "I was always taught if someone dies and you intend to send a sympathy card, you send it right away. You don't wait a month and then send a sympathy card like the death that just happened. " She continued to say "about the time I collect my thoughts and try to focus on my day and take the thoughts of the last month away just so I can have peace of mind. I get a card, I wish people would think before they send a card." That kind of stayed with me all these years, and I remembered when my dad passed away.

Someone had sent a card and actually someone had sent flowers a month later.

Immediately that came to my mind what she had said, and it kind of resonated with me. I can relate to her point of view. Her thought was, it was like you try to set a pattern to your day, not thinking negative thoughts. So keep that in mind whenever you express your sympathy. We all grieve and respond in different ways. I am not saying if it is placed on your heart to reach out with a letter, card or flowers to not do this.

The other side of this conversation I want to mention is when we have lost a loved one and someone says, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for your loss.

My granddaughter was as my house one day after her father passed away. She received a call, they were saying, I'm so sorry and her response was, oh, that's okay. Once she got off the phone, I said, honey, you know, it's hard to know what to say. Saying it's okay, is really not okay. Your dad just died. Your response should be, thank you. When you're the recipient of someone's condolences, . A thank you is simple and a good response.

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Debby Sifuentes, Vice President and co-founder of Even One Less.